Saturday, February 12, 2011

Exhausted.

Truitt has been home for 6 weeks and 2 days.  I have been "sleeping" in a recliner for 6 weeks and 2 days.  I cannot tell you how sore my neck, back and legs are but if I want ANY sleep then I better just stay in the chair.  He will not sleep longer than 30 minutes anywhere other than in someone's arms.  I have wanted to try putting him in the bed with me but am terrified that I am so exhausted I will roll onto him.  I have thought about getting a co-sleeper to put in the bed but I don't think that will help if he's not touching someone. On top of not sleeping anywhere other than on someone- he only sleeps for about 2 hours at a time.  If I'm lucky and feel him rooting around I can put him on the boob before he fully wakes up and that buys me about 4 hours of quiet even though I'm awake while he's eating.  He still won't take a bottle well (more to come) so I can't even get any relief on the weekend and let E get up with him.  I have a constant headache because of the lack of sleep and his screaming, and am so short fused it's ridiculous.  I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR SAYING THIS, BUT THAT IS HOW IT IS.  I swear I wouldn't trade him for anything but this is hard... very hard.

The colic is constant SCREAMING pretty much from sun up to sun down but it doesn't end there. The majority of the rest of the time he is still very fussy if he isn't nursing or sleeping.  Speaking of nursing- my nipples are raw.  I haven't had any problems with them until this week and all he has done is nursed and they hurt so badly.  I pulled the lanolin out because my Nuk stuff wasn't working well enough and have even been using the Medela soothing gel pads.  Just as he refuses the bottle, he refuses a pacifier.  We have tried Soothies, Playtex, Tommee Tippee and Mam.  Nothing works.  Honestly it's just easier to let him pacify himself with my boob than listen to him cry.  Today I went to a baby shower and E wanted to keep him at the house and Truitt fought the bottle for an hour and finally fell asleep after only taking an ounce.  Who knows how much of that even was swallowed.  The pedi swears he will eventually take it if he's hungry enough and to keep trying but it is so hard on him and whoever is trying to feed him.

Today I told E that I was contemplating going back to work so I can get a break and then immediately burst into tears.  Do you know how many people would kill to be able to stay at home with their child?  Do you know how many would kill to have a screaming child?!?! I have never felt so guilty for saying something in my life.  I love my son more than anything but I never knew I could be this tired and feel this helpless.  E keeps asking if I am depressed and I really don't think so.  I think it is just exhaustion but I'm sure baby blues are playing into it.  I also know that being stuck in the house isn't making it any better.  There are SO many people with colds and the flu that we don't take him out much other than to see family.  He has been to Babies R Us twice, to mine and his doctor's appointments, to my work and to a few restaurants but that's it.  I'm ready for it to be spring so we can get out more. 

I'm off to eat supper and take a nap before he wakes to eat again.

6 comments:

  1. I feel your pain!
    The longest Elliot has EVER slept at night is 2.5 hours. Usually, he only sleeps about 1-1.5. Two if we're lucky. It's EXHAUSTING. And add to it that I have to physically get myself up, wait for his bottle to warm while he screams his lungs out like we're starving him and... I dread nights. It doesn't help that I have no help whatsoever.
    The only way he will sleep is either being held or snuggled up to me in bed. And then I hate moving and disturbing him so I'm always stuck with my arm under his neck. It's annoying always having to sleep the same way every night.
    I'd try putting him in bed with you. Seriously. I was scared that I'd roll over or something too but trust me, you have this super hyper sense of awareness of where he is at all times. It's hard to explain.
    I think it's normal to feel frustrated and of course exhausted. I just keep telling myself that this will pass. It HAS to, eventually, right?

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  2. Oh Sam honey.... You are not the first and you won't be the last to feel like this. Your are exhausted physically and emotionally. This is the biggest endurance race of your life. The paed is right. He will grow out of it. But it doesn't ease what you are going through in the meantime. I recently read an article in a parenting mag from a mum with a child who is much the same. How she found herself telling her little baby to shut up and feeling such a despair and exhaustion. I wish I still had it to send to you. I know another lady who had a Bub who screamed constantly for 3 months. It is one of those things. You're not doing anything wrong. You're not feeling anything which isn't normal under the circumstances. Sure there are women who would kill for it but that doesnt mean what you are feeling is any less valid or real and you have EVERY right to express it in YOUR blog.

    Sweetness I wish I could make it better. I can't. I don't even really have any functional advice but know that it is ok to feel what you are feeling and you definitely are not alone. Xxxx

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  3. Oh, Samantha! I'm so sorry! I have it rough with G, but not THAT rough. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed and the fatigue makes it that much worse. I would try sleeping with him in bed--I was afraid I'd roll over him, but I was always really aware of his presence. And if you can, try nursing him while lying down. It took us a while to figure that one out, but once we did, night nursings became so much easier. Praying that the colic subsides soon--in the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child", Dr. Weissbluth says 6 weeks is the peak of fussiness and it starts to get better from there.

    You're doing a GREAT job, momma! HUGS!

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  4. I'm really sorry your having a hard time, I hope it gets better soon.

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  5. *hugs* I'm so sorry it is so rough. Hope that he magically decides to sleep better soon.

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  6. You KNOW, I know how you feel! Yorlee has been the same way. Unfortunately I have to go back to work soon, so I'm trying to enjoy her and her fussiness as much as I can.

    Things will get better soon, I'm sure of it. At least, I HOPE it will, for the both of us!!

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